you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
