Having a random hookup so left but love u
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
