im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize