So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
