My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
