yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
