I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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