A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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