My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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