he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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