My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
