can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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