nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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