She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
