I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
