And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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