we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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