Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
