I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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