woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
