Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
