Tell her she can't have a vagina
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize