I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
