I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
