A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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