dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
