I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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