Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize