Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
