New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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