Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You need Xanax blowdarts
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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