New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's official drugs can't kill me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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