Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I want her autograph on my taint
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
