How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
