Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
