...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
