i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
