mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
