Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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