this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
