I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
