Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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