when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
