the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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