Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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