I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
