Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
