I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize