where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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