In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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