You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Randomize
