How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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