thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
