My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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