My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
