You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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